The less entertaining drumbeats of life

Over the last couple of weeks, I have felt my thick skin gradually soften, as though I have been using some ladies overly and often advertised skin moisturizer. I have often found myself staring into space, overly wishful but more importantly thoughtful, which led me into being worried—and yet, I always prefer to be concerned than worried. Like Jesus, I have felt the weight of the cross of life weighing on my shoulders. Nothing good ever comes out of worrying other than stress, at least in my experience.

But when I sat down and dug deeper in my thoughts, I realized it was the soundtrack of life getting harder. It was life taking back control, just when I thought I was in charge—when I thought that I had started to figure it out, that amidst all its turbulence, I had actually found my balance. The soundtrack announcing that life is getting harder than it already was, once again, threatening to throw my fortitude off balance.

Did it succeed? Yes, at least in some way. It had me question my thought process, my faith in that process, my faith in God’s plans that are unknown. It had me wondering whether I was stuck at a certain step on my life ladder. For the most part, it really felt that way with some circumstantial evidence to back it up.

I quizzed myself, with little options, if any, coming to mind if I could forge a way upwards—well knowing that going downwards isn’t an option to even ponder about. It’s simply a scary drop to even imagine for someone that looks at life like a very long ladder to climb. In this analogy, upwards is the only way there’s to climb, because downwards is simply a flat fall.

But in retrospect, all it was doing was robbing me of the gratitude that lay beneath my heart for the wins in my locker. Whereas it was true that I was falling short on more fronts than I would have wanted, I was winning in others that were never on the agenda in the first place.

I remember speaking to a friend over the phone about it, but vaguely, as though in reference to a third party, hoping less for actual answers but more so a reassuring voice that it gets better or easier at some point. Is it even okay for someone to feel this way? I asked.

Although he validated that it was okay, he was quick to point to what I was already thinking. “It’s better to be thankful of everything going right rather than focusing on everything that isn’t,” he noted while citing his recent misfortunes but underlining how he was happy for everything that had gone right. And in a footnote, although unfortunate, with a concerning voice—he did point to a mutual acquaintance of ours who had been involved in an accident in which he sustained 3 fractures on one of his legs and had been faced with the threat of a possible amputation. “At least take solace in being in good health,” he added.

Amidst all life’s challenges and expectations, that often come thick and first, it’s easy to get blinded by all of it—denying you the chance to be appreciative of even your mere existence. The speed of life can often feel like lightening and yet in those very thoughtful days, everything feels excruciatingly slow. So, when life gives you a hundred reasons to break down and cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile and laugh. Stay Strong.

But also, I did learn that it was the natural desire for success. Like night follows day, it was the drive that kicks in to pursue bigger targets instead of taking a moment, perhaps even time, to celebrate the ones achieved. Growing up, all I ever wanted was to live in a cemented house with electricity but as soon as those arrived, I quickly realized that I wanted more than just that. It’s like success opens your mind-eye to other targets that you barely thought of. That’s how it often feels in my wild world experience. And it is equally okay to keep dreaming, dreaming bigger.